holdnoquarter:

Today I came across goats playing on a trampoline while I was driving around and it was the happiest thing I’ve ever seen.

Men Experiencing Labor Pains

With their wives supporting them.

“Men can handle anything”

“Women exaggerate everything”

And then they realized just how wrong they were.

teenytigress:

SO THIS GUY IN MY ENGLISH IS DOING A PROJECT FOR BIO WHERE HE GETS A DUCKLING TO IMPRINT ON HIM SO HE JUST CARRIES IT AROUND WITH HIM TO ALL OF HIS CLASSES AND I SWEAR THIS DUCK IS THE MOST WELL BEHAVED FUCKING POULTRY IVE EVER SEEN IT JUST SITS ON HIS DESK QUIETLY AND SOMETIMES HE PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET AND IT JUST SLEEPS LIKE WOW YOU GO DUCKY

wckrspgt:

reasons i should be your friend:

• my hands are soft i think because people tell me
• i probably have a soft face too
• i am willing to play with your hair platonically
• whenever i eat french fries you can have some
• YOU DONT EVEN NEED TO ASK YOU CAN JUST TAKE A FRENCH FRY OR TWO
• not all the french fries though

imagine having someone who only wanted you and didn’t flirt with anyone else and didn’t make you uncertain whether they liked you or not

friskygrandma:

I!!!DONT!!!WANNA!!!CARE!!!ABOUT!!!MY!!!WEIGHT!!!BUT!!!I!!!DO!!!

paralysedbeaver:

The final Stefon sketch from Saturday Night Live.

my room is locked and my key won’t work haha cute

Simple but effective. Go for it.

• Have you ever:
• 1. Skipped class?
• 2. Done drugs?
• 3. Self harmed?
• 4. Drank?
• 5. Shoplifted?
• 6. Gotten a tattoo?
• 7. Broken up with someone?
• What's your favorite:
• 8. Show?
• 9. Movie?
• 10. Song?
• 11. Tumblr?
• 12. Singer/Band?
• 13. Memory?
• 14. Book?
• This or that:
• 15. Invisibility or Ability to fly?
• 16. Cookies or Cake?
• 17. Twitter or Facebook?
• 18. Movies or Books?
• 19. Coke or Sprite?
• 20. Blind or Deaf?
• 21. Tea or Coffee?
• What's your:
• 22. Age?
• 23. Sign?
• 24. Height?
• 25. Sexual orientation?
• 26. Shoe size?
• 27. Religion?
• 28. Longest relationship?
• Opinion on:
• 29. Gay rights?
• 30. Second chances?
• 31. Long distance relationships?
• 32. Abortion?
• 33. The death penalty?
• 34. Marijuana ?
• 35. Love?
• Do you:
• 36. Believe in ghost?
• 37. Shower facing the shower head or turned away from it?
• 38. Sleep with the door opened or closed?
• 39. Love someone?
• 40. Still watch cartoons?
• 41. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
• 42. Like yourself?

‘Saturday Night Live’ 38x21 | Weekend update 

okay so I’m supposed to be going on a real date sometime this week, like out to dinner and then movies at my place and all that, but I have SEVERE anxiety about eating in public ESPECIALLY in front of people I haven’t known for a long time so this could be an issue

you’re not being nosey at all anon, in fact you’re being incredibly sweet. I am definitely being really careful this time, taking it a lot slower. thank you so much for caring.

this morning I found out that, even with my awkward body type, I can pull off high waisted shorts. the gods are smiling down on me.